So i'm home for summer, been here for two weeks now. I know i've passed first year with a 2:1 average (I somehow managed to pull 3 firsts in some units this year!!! huzzah!!!) and Have nothing really to think about exams or any deadlines etc. But yet I am somewhat more tested than usual.
It's an awkward time living one half of my life in one place with one set of people, and the other half in another. I love both places entirely, but they are such different lives that they result in two different versions of myself. This would be fine, as there are as many versions of ourselves as there are contexts according to various scholars, but my problem is i like my home self significantly less than my other one.
There's nothing awful about her. She's not some kind of psycho murderer or anything like that. It's just that home me is lazy, and mopey, and doesn't get stuff done. Home me stagnates day in and day out. Aspires but never acts on it, and yet gets annoyed when people try and make her do something about it.
I'm hoping when i get my summer gym membership going here it'll restore some of my uni self, as this is a big part of my motivation in portsmouth. I go there and get stuff done and it gets me in the mood to get more stuff done. so yeah, i'm hoping that will change things. if i ever get a move on arranging it. I'm in romford tomorrow, so hopefully i'll go in and talk to them. hopefully.
Also, all the work i did on myself has gone back again. that's the thing about going home, it kinda pushes a reset button without you realising. My teacher described moving as 'unplugging yourself from one bubble and back into another' and i spose that's true. But I really became someone i was a little proud to be before i left uni, and now i'm just back to square one, except now i'm even more self aware when i do somehting i don't lke. I recently did something i haven't done in ages, and i've been feeling terrible about it all day. and it's all cool, i've made it better again, but i feel terrible because i didn't so much let it happen as it just happening, naturally, because it is my nature. Something i hate is part of my nature. kinda a bummer.
What else is going on in my life? Well, an awful lot. But i don't think i really want to mention them in great detail. some old demons and some family members health deterioration etc. The less said of them the better in front of people that don't understand I find. Even if they ask.
